April 14th Visit

i'm 10 weeks and 6 days. no ultrasound, but did get to hear a very strong and healthy heartbeat! i go back may 12 and will have an ultrasound then. it should look more like a baby then and less like a 'chicken'. we were hoping for a good photo to post on this visit, but the dr. said it wouldn't look much different in the way of really seeing anything.

so this was the visit we've been waiting for because we know we are close to being in the 'safe zone'. it's been really hard keeping it from people, but i think it's been good for us at the same time. it's taken a bit for us to get adjusted to the whole idea and sometimes i still think we're not there yet. we have our days of feeling really good and excited about it and other days, where we think ' what in the world are we doing!?'. it's a big adjustment, to say the least, after 13 years of marriage...almost 14 now. we're both very spoiled to our lives and our time and it's very difficult to think of having such responsibility. we've been spoiled to very nice vacations and being able to just take off on a whim where ever we wanted to go. a dog and a bird are easy to find care for or to drop off at the kennel, but a baby? an actual human being? not so sure how that's going to work yet. i guess our priorities will change a bit and we'll just have different desires. hard to imagine everything right now.

anyone that knows me knows that i've never had that burning desire to be a mom. for some reason i've never really felt that i would even be able to have them. not sure why exactly. perhaps because that ticking clock and strong desire was just never there? the only time i can remember having a strong urge for something so serious was 2 months before linda (jeff's mom) died. i don't know what it was about it. but that entire month of september, i had the strongest desire that just wouldn't go away. i could actually picture myself with a child and actually being a good mom....no doubts about jeff being a great dad (other than he's scared to death of tiny babies afraid he'll break them). i could never explain why this feeling turned on inside of me. perhaps because i had already lost my own mom and new it wouldn't be too much longer before i lost another one. it was pretty tough for me, but sort of got me to thinking about their lives and how fulfilled they both seemed to be and well...was i really missing out by not having kids? am i going to regret it when i get older and it gets 'too late' to have them? the selfish side says, 'who's going to take care of me when i'm old?'

everyone knows where we've stood on the issue and how we've actually always loved the idea of adopting. i don't know if we'll ever loose that feeling or not. it's always been close to our hearts...not sure why. the whole idea of labor and physical things that happen during a pregnancy has never quite appealed to me. after that september, i got over the whole idea (for the most part), but jeff has been on and off since we've moved back home from cincinnati. the past couple of years of going for my annual exam, the dr. reminds me of my age and asks 'do you plan on having kids?', then continues with age and high risks, yada yada yada. i could never answer her fully, other than a 'eehhhh'. the last visit, just this past september, i was too numb to even discuss the idea, past the idea of 'if it's God's will', it will happen. apparently i was a deer in the headlight the entire visit and the dr. laughed at me more than once because she could see the fear and uncertainty in me. i'm glad i could humor her...i think i just wanted to cry i was so frightened at the whole idea. i just had to trust God that if he wants it to happen, then well...he IS the creator right?

my 1st trimester has gone pretty well. i've not been that tired, but i do stay pretty nauseated. I've been fortunate that i haven't actually gotten sick yet (although i've come pretty close a few times). i've only had to take one sick day from work, which i hate doing, but that day was just bad. i feel best when i eat...which is very scary to me. i try to be smart about what i eat, but sometimes you just have to grab whatever you can find. since no one knows about this, i just have to hide it and move on. not much i can do about it anyways right? well, all of that is suppose to be over soon, typically at 12 weeks...which is just next week! i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one. i do feel good that it hasn't been any worse than i've had it. i know a lot of people that really get very ill. thank you lord for your mercy!!! ...keep up the good work! : )

so we're planning on telling family this weekend, then work people next week. i'm sure it will be a shock. i think most have given up on the idea of us having kids (not that we were far behind that thought ourselves). we're looking forward to telling everyone, but haven't quite figured out how to present the facts yet. we've still got the week to figure it all out. we have a busy weekend ahead of us!

so...if you ask questions or expect a certain reaction and get something different from me, it's only because i'm still adjusting to whole new world of baby and i don't think i've fully lost the gleam of that headlight shining so intensely in my eyes.

michelle